Think of it this way, say that you’re in school and there’s a professor who always gives an A to everybody. You go to his class you get an A. You don’t feel any boost in self-esteem from getting that “A” because he gave it to everybody.
On the other hand, say there’s a professor that’s like really harsh, he’s known as a great professor world renowned, but he’d fails half the class. You get a B in his class you feel amazing about yourself. He actually treated you less nicely, he did less for you in a way for your GPA. The guy gave you an B, but you actually value it because you actually worked for it.
If a guy is nice all the time, the girl probably will dislike him. She’ll think of him as low-value and actually interestingly enough won’t trust him, because she will feel like he’s nice because that’s the only way he knows to get through the world, he’s nice because he’s afraid that if he’s not nice he’ll get negative social feedback. So, she’ll actually distrust your niceness she’ll think you’re trying to kiss her ass, she’ll think that you have an agenda.
On the other hand, if you’re generally nice but you occasionally stand up and speak your mind, you occasionally say something a little mean or rude and you stand up for yourself, you show that you can get through life without being nice. Every single time you are nice it’s actually taken with a grain of salt, it’s actually trusted because the person knows absolutely you can get through life without using that as a coping strategy. She knows you’re capable of not being nice. So your niceness is not just taken as some meaningless gesture, it’s taken as it must actually be real.
The ironic thing is this, you can actually be nicer by occasionally being a dick. If you occasionally are not nice, your niceness has more value and overall you can give more niceness to a person. Whereas, if you’re nice all the time your niceness will not be trusted, will not be respected, and will not even be liked at all.
Do not be the nice guy to try and make her experience better you’re just gonna make her bored. But, trusting the guy who stands up for himself. The guy who genuinely does what he thinks, the guy who has good intentions for her and that’s the type of nice guy you want to be. You don’t want to be the total asshole who makes her life worse, and is toxic for her. That’s not good either and girls don’t like that either, but they definitely don’t like the pushover they don’t like the pathetic low-value guy who can only be nice.
I hope that helps to clear up some of that nice guy vs. asshole thing, and it’s again, not the nice behavior, it’s where they think the nice behavior is coming from that makes it a problem.
Let’s talk about this in practice first of all. I might give you a personal story I think a lot of people can relate to. When I was growing up, I had a lot of girls like me and then there were the girls I liked.
The girls who I actually had crushes on, they didn’t end up liking me. And the reason was I started acting differently around them, I started acting quite frankly weird around them. I would go out of my way to be around them. I’d go out of my way to agree with them, I’d go out of my way to have similarities with them. And quite possibly it made them think I was weird freak.
They don’t like that kind of stuff because it’s like “oh he agrees with me on everything”, “oh he has everything in commonality with me”, it’s just a little weird it’s a little too convenient it’s a little too fake.
I also did not do and say things to offend them and so even if they sort of like tolerated me politely or thought I was like a nice guy, there was no validation associated there. They knew they had me. So why would they work for me? why would they chase me?
On the other hands, these girls I didn’t have crushes on I would just tell them like it was. If they said something dumb in class, I’d tell them it was dumb. If there was a controversial opinion, I would just express it and I wouldn’t worry if they’d be judged, I wouldn’t worry if they agreed with it. Those girls really liked me those girls got really attracted to me.
This should show you the way forward. When you actually meet a girl, be willing to speak your mind, be willing to be offensive, be yourself, don’t try and be offensive just to be offensive, but don’t try and be nice just to be nice either. If you are walking up to a girl cold and you are just like giving compliments, “hey, you’re so cute” “hey, I really like you” “hey, I like to take you on a date”.
Well, she doesn’t know you yet, you don’t know her yet, the only reason you could possibly like her that much, I wanna take her on a date it’s two things: One you think she’s physically attractive or you want to have sex with her. That’s called having an agenda.
That’s called wanting something from her rather than wanting to give something to her. On the other hand, if you just act like yourself and you’re willing to express opinions, you’re willing to say things that are a little bit controversy, a little bit negative, you wouldn’t even give her a hard time or tease her a little bit, well, now she must be thinking oh shit this guy’s capable of high-value behaviors, oh shit this guy’s a challenge, oh shit this guy’s actually being real, and honest with me.
My suggestion is speak from where you’re really coming from. Also, give her a little bit of challenge, so, instead of a “you’re really cute, could I could I please..” that’s pathetic, that’s way too nice. Instead, said “hey you’re really KINDA cute, I thought I’d meet you. And find out if you’re actually cool” That’s a little bit of a challenge. That little bit of if you’re actually cool. That little bit of I’m undecided about you, is going to make her to be interested. It’s going to make her treat you like a genuine guy who’s not just buttering her up.
And, it’s also going to make you seem like a high-value guy. Because high-value guys have standards, high-value guys don’t just like a girl automatically for how her having done nothing. Since that’s one concept that’s called qualifying a girl.
To put it all together, do girls like assholes? Not per-se. Do girls like nice guys? Not that pathetic guy who can only be nice. Certainly not. But do girls like guys who are real and high-value and capable of being nice? Yes, that’s the sweet spot you want to hit on. So nice behaviors are not inherently bad. But, if all you have is nice behaviors, you’re boring, you look pathetic. And, ironically you’ll be perceived as less nice and less trusted you will be perceived as having an agenda. If you are too nice, so get away from that shit.
Be your honest self. Put it out if you honestly disagree with a girl. Say it, if you honestly like wanna tease the girl. Take that risk. Occasionally, yes, you will offend the girl more often than not. Though she’ll respect you for it she’ll appreciate it and should get much more attracted to you as a result.